And welcome to the 20th Pomme! Even though it is actually the 23rd Pomme as I did three Daily Pommes in paper form before I moved to digital but it is still really exciting. Now I have a long speech prepared in which i thank everyone but I have decided to skip all the boring stuff and get straight into it.
I’m sure that you are all anxious to know who won the esteemed title of Pommepetition Winner. I wont keep you waiting any longer.
The true story of Christmas
Please note, that although this is a fact based, historical story, names have been changed to protect the innocent and some of the facts have been completely made up.
A long time ago in a far away place there lived a man and woman. The man was both very handsome and incredibly dim, his name was Paul. He also suffered from a terrible case of dexlysia, no dixselya, no dyslexia, yes that’s it. The woman went by the name of Mama J and she was virtually perfect in every single way. She had though recently noticed that her tummy was getting larger and had been for quite some time although she didn’t really know why this was so. Then one day in mid-January Paul and Mama J received a visit from an angel called Gabrielily who they think had maybe been hitting the sauce a bit heavily because she kept going on about something called a Pomme and then proceeded to tell them that Mama J was pregnant and that the father was God. This confused Mama J because she happened to know that God was a woman and so she was unsure as to how She could be the father. This also confused Paul because for one thing he was a bit dim and for another his dyslexia kicked in and he was a little frightened by the thought of an all knowing, all powerful being called Dog. To make this knowledge a little less frightening he decided to think of this being as Big D. The angel Gabrielily also told them that their baby was going to be a boy and that they should call him Jebus Efin H Christ. Mama J didn’t think much of this name and anyway, this was before the days of ultrasound so how could they possibly know the sex of the baby, what if it was a girl. So, they mostly ignored everything the angel Gabrielily had told them as the amount that she went on about her Pomme she was clearly French and had a problem with drinking too much cider. And anyway, they did have plans to go and visit family because it was the holiday season (although why the holiday season was in mid-January shall forever remain a mystery) and so they had to make plans to go. Mama J told Paul to get his stupid ass moving and get their clever ass ready for the journey and so he got the trusty donkey prepared for the trip and it wasn’t long before Sven (for that was the donkeys name, something to do with his Scandinavian ancestry) was champing at the bit, both figuratively and literally. So, they set off on a long journey which for Mama J was quite unbearable; she was about 9 months pregnant after all and she was riding a donkey. Plus, Paul kept going on about hearing barking, something to do with his new-found fear of Big D. Mama J didn’t know what the hell he was on about and sometimes seriously wondered why she was with him. Still, he was quite pretty, and it never hurt to have a bit of man candy to look at. So, she put up with his jabbering. After a day of travelling they were both very tired and needed to find a place to stay and rather than pay for accommodation they decided to free park in some stables where Sven could be nice and comfortable. As they were settling down for the night Mama J started having pains and then with a theatrical splash on the hay covered floor, she realised that her water had broken. They were both amazed that it happened exactly as it always happened on TV (a communications medium that would be invented in about 2000 years’ time). And just like in real life, a mere 36 hours of pain, screaming and general abuse later the baby was born. At this point there was a very strong smell of apples and the angel Gabrielily appeared again. She had obviously come straight from the local inn and been on the cider again and was still going on about a Pommepetition although Mama J and Paul could barely understand a word she was saying. They did tell her that their new baby was a girl and Paul said that Big D obviously did not know what he was on about and they would have to come up with a new name. Gabrielily mumbled something incoherent about how she was going to tell some shepherds and get some wise men to bring some presents and then she was gone, never to be heard from again. Meanwhile in a town not that far away they had seen a new star in the sky and in a way that can never satisfactorily be explained they knew that this meant a saviour had been born. A town meeting was held, and it was agreed that the 3 wisest people in the town should go and take gifts to this new born child. It is probably no surprise to anyone that the 3 wisest people in this town were women and so it was that Allegra, Olivia and Ruby were the ones to make this pilgrimage. Of course, being wise, they knew that new parents needed gifts, so they had a talk about this and when asked what they would take Olivia replied ‘Gold’, Allegra replied ‘Frankincense’ and Ruby just said ‘Meh, I’ll pick something up at the services on the way’. Thus, it was decided that the new saviour of womankind would be given gold, frankincense and meh. As they set off, they were unsure of which direction to take and a bit of a discussion ensued. Allegra suggested they just use a SatNav although it was pointed out to her that there were two major flaws with this plan. First, they didn’t have the actual address of where they were going and second, SatNavs were about 2000 years away from being invented. So, Olivia just suggested they should wait until night time and just follow the new star in the sky. The next morning, after walking through the night (which luckily given the time of year was cloudless) the three wise women arrived at the free park where they found a chipper and obviously well rested Paul on the look out for something or someone he referred to as Big D. As these women were very wise, they knew there was no point wasting much time talking to him, although he was easy on the eye. So, they went straight to Mama J and her new baby. Mama J looked like she had been pulled through a ringer backwards and like she hadn’t had any sleep for at least a couple of days. Just like a new mother. But she also had something else, and this was a contentedness and a look of absolute and unconditional love for her new baby. She told the wise women that this baby was a chosen one and was going to achieve greatness and be the saviour of all womankind and she told them that she would be called Jessica. They all thought this was a perfect name. Then the three wise women gave their gifts, Olivia gave her gold, Allegra gave her frankincense and Ruby gave the things she had picked up at the services. These were some washable and reusable nappies, a sling for carrying the baby without hurting your back, a little kit for entertaining her on those long donkey rides and a couple of jumpsuits because they were just so cute. She also bought a set of natural and completely plastic (a material 2000 years away that will surely ruin the planet) free bath and toiletry products and took the baby off her hands for a while so that she could have a bit of time to clean herself up and relax and start to feel human again. Because Ruby truly was the wisest of them all. Apart from that there is not much of the story left to tell. The baby Jessica grew up as the saviour of all womankind although she had a tragic downfall when Santa Claus and his magic rabbit killed her with chocolate eggs so that the Coca Cola company could invent something called Christmas in order to further the consumerisation of the world. Mama J and Paul lived a long and happy life even though Paul would not stop going on about someone called Big D. Luckily for him he became a good-looking older man, not unlike Blake Carrington (a character about 2000 years away) so Mama J kept him around for purely decorative purposes. As for the angel Gabrielily it is rumoured that she drowned in a vat of cider and there have been numerous unconfirmed reports of her occasionally appearing as a vision, incoherently mumbling about Pommes until people do what she wants and then disappearing again. But these could all be completely made up. And this story became an official part of herstory and was taught to children all over the world and it won every competition it was ever entered in!
i hoped you enjoyed the Pomme and agree with my decision regarding the Pommepetition. Click here to read all the other stories which were just as awesome. Until next time.