Book One: The Ice Age

The autobiography on Jennifer LaTrobe.

Book 1.

The Ice Age

Have you seen the film, Ice Age number one? Well, if you have, then you will know the story of my life. Do you Remember the child who was almost ripped to pieces by the Saber Tooth Tigers? But was saved from that terrible death by the plan of a very odd sloth (Sid), a mammoth (Manny) and a Saber Tooth Tiger (Diego), and the funny group returned me to my father? Well, if you do, then you know who I am. I was that Child. That was the LaTrobe Tribe. I am Jennifer Latrobe. (Also known as Jeni.) My Dad wrote that film, but under a different name. He was Michael J Wilson. Now. The second one was sixteen years later, I was sixteen. So that time, I wrote it. I wasn’t in any of the other ones, because I decided to make it about other things, so that people wouldn’t know how much later it was, or that I have lived this long. But now I have decided to tell others of my great oldness. I am proud that I am the oldest person on earth. Or am I? maybe someone else is hiding a big secret. I wrote this autobiography to encourage others to tell their secrets. To be proud of their faults. If you think about it, Fault is just acronym for Funny Amazing Utensils. Lovely Things. You see? So, everyone with supposed “Faults” should tell them to the world. Now about my life. I was born more than 2 million years ago. On my next birthday, I will be 2.5 million. Old right? But secretly true. I was around when the meteor hit earth, causing the ice age. That was ages ago. You probably didn’t even know that it was a meteor that caused the ice age. Well. I did. Now once again let’s talk about my life. So, you know about the very beginning of my life, in film form. And you now know that I wrote ice age 2. Do you remember the mammoth? Well, I named him Manny. He was my pet. And if you could see me, then you would know about my famous sideburns. Well, it was Manny who taught me how to grow them. (And in the Future of my life, I have a pet Dragon who taught me to breath fire.) when I made the second Ice age, I was sixteen, but I did not feature in it, as I wasn’t an object of importance, unlike Eli, and the two possums, and the evil alligators. Now, living there was very dangerous because many of the animals ate humans, and the alligators. So, I took great caution, and survived. As I made film 2, I thought of what it would be like to be as old as my Father. He was now 56, which for people back then was old. Little did I know that I would be 2 million years old. After I finished that film, I decided to take a small break, to think about life. I thought about the meaning of life. And if life was so short (As it was back then) I shouldn’t waste time making films. Soon, I took time talking to my friend, Sid the Sloth. I asked him how animals lived so long, and he told me that they had a secret. He told me that animals cannot live forever, but they can prolong life, and to do that, they need a secret formula. He gave me the formula, and I tried it out. Suddenly, I felt fresh. I thanked him, and he made me promise not to tell anyone about the formula, not even your own family. I agreed, and he went off. After a while, my father grew old. He was killed by a dinosaur. I was so sad that I went into hibernation for three years. When I came out, I decided to make a film, Ice Age 3, about how terrible dinosaurs are. But as the film progressed, Eli grew more and more pregnant. I was sure that the dinosaurs were going to eat her like they did my father, but then I saw the dinosaur that ate my father. He explained to me that he accidentally ate my father, because he has poor eyesight, and was on the way to the optician, and thought my father was a plant. I forgave him, and continued to make the documentary, this time showing dinosaurs in a different light. When Eli actually had the baby, it was in the most dangerous time. Surrounded by an unkind clan of dino’s, who might have eaten her if it weren’t   for my brave crew of actors. So, when the baby was born, Eli had to take a break from acting (For sixteen whole years!) and we could not make another one until then. That is why peaches is suddenly a teenager in the next one. During those sixteen years, there was a blizzard, and it was lucky that they could not film anything. And so, I took a holiday. I left that country, and found other animals never heard of before. They had kangaroo’s in one place and some odd spiky, very smelly fruit in others. But, in all of the countries, there were dragons. Particularly two favourites of mine (Canada and Wales) there was a particularly nice dragon named Spicy, and he lived in both those countries, and he taught me to breath fire. Upon the realisation that it had almost been sixteen years, I returned to my home. I saw Peaches, but did not recognise her. I asked her where Manny was, and she did not recognise me either, and asked me why. I replied with “I am making a documentary on the ice age.” She informed me someone was already doing that, and I was not happy. “Was it someone from another tribe, or someone from my tribe?” I asked her, and she replied with “what do you mean?” and I informed her that I had made three documentaries already and she thought that maybe been speaking to the great Jeni, the one her father had told her all about. If she was… so Peaches took me to her father, Manny, who gave me a hug, and asked me hen we would start acting again. I told him we would start right away. I started filming life once more, and my sister Yennifer, was filming with me when the earth broke apart. I was on Manny’s side of the ice, and Yennifer was on Eli and Peaches side. Honestly, I thought I would never see them again. I thought that we wouldn’t make it. I thought that I would send Yennifer the videos I had been taking, and then I would die. But I kept filming. I was scared, and tired, and when we realised that granny was in the tree on our ice ship, I was happy that we had found her, but scared that if she died, Sid would blame us if she died. Happily, she didn’t. when we were caught by the evil pirates, I was home, I was happy, but when I could not find anyone, I was scared again. I had no idea what happened on the land, only Yennifer did. I was certain that some rock had fallen on them. When I saw their real fate, I was more scared then I had ever been in my life! I was trying so hard to think what to do, that I wasn’t filming. But when I actually saw someone do something, I remembered it, and filmed again. It was Peaches best friend. It was lucky that he managed to do it successfully. After we found the new ice haven, we took a small break from Filming, to explore everywhere, and chose spots that were specific peoples home. After that, we filmed the next documentary, and it was amazing. The electric shocks, the Fireworks, the funny female sloth, and everything new that we saw was amazing. I had fun filming the five documentaries. It was amazing, learning to grow side buns, learning to breath fire, leaning about how to sail on a very tiny peace of ice… everything was amazing. Do you know what? The people that make films now did something sad. They found my documentary, and got rid of it, and remade it. They left out the important part, but luckily, they didn’t change the comedy of the possum twins. How sad it is, that people don’t appreciate my real wok, that they decided to make it into a “fictional” cartoon. It is sad, when things are done by computers. It was sad when we stopped writing stories, and made films instead. It was still the ice age, but we could feel global warming already

 

The End. {Of this book, perhaps.}

Written by Ruby Tuesday, 10 Years.